Funeral
As the uninspired title of this blog suggests, I am going to a funeral tommorrow. My stepfathers funeral, or ex stepfather as it were. If you know me well enough to know anything about my childhood, you'll know that I really didn't like him that much. He could be a good guy when he wanted to be, but he rarely was towards my brother and I. I won't go into any depressing details, but needless to say he was definately not the fatherly type. When I heard he was dead, i'm very ashamed to say what i felt, or didn't feel. I was shocked, but I didn't feel sad. I know it's horrible. I feel horrible for feeling it. I really wish i was sad. I certainly never wanted him dead. I feel bad for everybody else who loved him, namely my mom. my brother also seems pretty upset too. I haven't told anybody in my family how i feel. i'm putting it on my blog because i'm confident they'll never read this. i'm not sure if i can handle the funeral. there are going to be hundreds of people there, all very mournful. I'm going to feel like a faker, like a tourist. Does this make me a bad person? it certainly feels like it does.
Posted by cainnum at 7:43 PM
4 Comments
I think our society has a real problem with idealizing the dead. Dude, just because you have the ability to die (a fairly common trait), doesn't mean you had the ability to be an upstanding person. Now, I'm all for letting bygones be bygones and letting the dead rest and all...but, I won't pretend that someone was something that they weren't, just because everyone else is pretending the same thing. It's a lie, and it's unfair. How can I work out my own feelings over their death when I have to be so concerned about what others expect me to be? I say, ditch the guilt and be yourself. Just one man's opinion, but I hope it assuages your feelings a bit.
I agree with Josh. When I was young, our grandfather lived with us, and he had organic brain syndrome so he wasn't all there and couldn't rmemember my name and yelled for us to get a sandwich all the time, and he really creeped me out. From what I heard, he was a pretty going straight to Hell cause he's so evil kinda person before he drank himself into this condition, too. So I was glad when he died, and I felt really bad that I felt that way. But then the weird thing was, over the next few weeks I actually missed him. I was baffled by this. Cause I didn't like him AT ALL. Mom said that it was because he was a big part of my daily life, and when our daily life changes it upsets us, even if it changed for the better. But you didn't see your step dad everyday, so don't even worry about it.
Dude, you have a right to feel however you want to feel. Bottom line.
So, how'd the funural go?
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